Sunday, January 4, 2009

Sexpranks

A lot of people have funny stories when it comes to sex, mostly cause when two people get naked, there's already a good opportunity for some laughs (among other obvious things of course). However, the difference lays in that most people do something awkward, weird, or straight-up goofy; they keep it to themselves. On the other hand, I decide to post them up on the internet for people to read. Now the best thing to do afterwards is to take a situation and prank the shit out of a person.

Back in the summer, I had a lovely little debacle of an encounter which ended in extra hilarity. I was with this girl who I was spending a good deal of time with and we copulated a few times. One time, while we were at her house when her roommates were out of town, we got into the deed. She and I started watching movies on her roommate's bed and things started to heat up after a while. Now, I was being retarded by doing this, but she not being on birth control and me not having any condoms since I wasn't expecting to be banging in the middle of the day; we played the ol' method of "pull out". When I felt I was close, I realized I didn't have a predetermined place to deposit my mansauce and so I figured fuck it, I'll just cum on the bed and clean it afterwards. I let her know the time was upon us and did my shortly planned task. Apparently, this was a mistake. I finish and see a deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes that leads to one of those awkward moments where both of you are trying to think of something appropriate thing to say and coming up with a response.

She half-stuttered out a single line; "Did you...did you just cum on my roommate's bed?!?" At this point, I realize I'm busted, so a simple sheepish "yes" seemed in order. She jumps up and starts freaking out. I'm hastily scrambling my words of justification faster than a greyhound chasing a rabbit: "I didn't think it was a problem-I can just clean it-I'm sorry-what was I supposed to do?-it all happened so fast-where was I supposed to?" etc. "Why wouldn't you just cum on me?!?!" was her response. "Because I didn't know if you were cool with that-and you didn't say to-I'm sorry" was my next word jumble. We end up deciding the best idea is to just quickly wash the sheets and get them back on the bed before her roommate got back (oh yeah, that was in a few hours). After our dilemma is solved and we were able to laugh at it, we carried on with our day.

Later on in the car ride, she turned to me and asked a question that's more to the point than any other question in the book. "Have you ever been tested?" I answer truthfully with a "No, but every chick I've slept with has and they come up clean". Then I decide to have a bit of fun with it. "However, my Mom has HIV and when I was born she transferred it to me; but don't worry, it's not full AIDS so it's really not thaaaat bad. I mean, I'm pretty healthy and everything."
The color drains completely from her face which has an expression that seems to scream oh fuck, I'm going to die. She ligitally thought she had contracted one of the world's deadliest diseases. I back it up with some more reasoning and keep this little prank going for a while holding back the laugh smorgasbord that I'm about to feast on.

After we go a little farther I tell her I was totally joking and how could the other girls have tested clean if it was true. After getting a few straight hard-as-hell punches (which is very unsafe to do to a person driving), she yelled at me for being a total prick and then was quiet for the rest of the drive.

Eventually, she thought it was kiiinnnnd of funny and we shared our laughs about the day filled with cum and foolishness.